Growing up i was taught to be ashamed of longings.  

The way they provoked in others a sense of my "greediness" or unseemly hunger.  This was cause for me shutting them down.  Turning off the tap of longing so that i protected those around me from what must be a maw in me... a cavern of unseemly want that was something to fear.

I became accustomed to turning away from my longings.  Extinguishing them before they set fire to comfort and belonging.

Not knowing my longings lead me to listen to the wisdom of others.  Listen to the "sensible" option.  The safety.  The normal.

This meant that my life choices had this flavour, this ring of the bell of ordinary tolled as i walked past.

Lately i have begun to question this wisdom.

What if my longings are Holy?

What if inside my longings are the call from the Divine to turn up in the world as i am uniquely tasked to do? 

What if in attending to my longings i get to know what it is that i really want?

What if my longings will ring me into the world with a bell sound of the most exquisite clarity that my dreams are drawn to me purely by the sound of me?

What if when i live into my longings and cherish them i can claim my space here on this planet?

What if my longings set me free?

What if we share some longings here see our longings on this space as a first ring on the bell fashioned uniquely for us before our time here began?

I long for comfort.  For tenderness.  I long for being cherished and respected.  i long for a house by the ocean where i can feed the great Mother and she can feed me.  I long for beauty.  I long for trust.  I long to be honoured.  I long to be alive.

What about you - what longings roll off the tongue of your heart?

Tell me.  I am listening.

Welcome to my first blog on this my one website to rule them all. (i am have left a trail of blogs and sites behind me as i made my way here.  Claiming my glorious complicated self in the one place)

I want to tell you the story of my love for Rivers.

I am not a river girl by nature.  My awa (Te Reo Maori for river - Maori name the river and the mountain that is connected to them as part of their mihi when they are introducing themselves, which roots them very cleanly to a specific part of this land) is Hatea.

But lately i have become heart sore about the state of our rivers here in New Zealand.  Many of the rivers around my home town are unfit for humans to swim in.  Let alone fish, kura, birds, eels.  I feel immense shame about this and part of me is looking over my shoulder should the NZ tourist board momentarily break down the door.  But it is the truth. 

I do what i can, live clean, pick up rubbish where i find it.

But i want to do more and was feeling stuck until one day i got this song gifted to me by Spirit.  I will say that out loud because i am not a singer.  I have huge voice issues.  Down to having one paralysed vocal chord and having been told not to sing shout or use my voice loudly in order to protect the remaining one.... fat chance... but claiming a song and singing it out loud  is not something i ever thought i would do... and yet...

Anyway this song stayed there.  In my head and in my heart.  
And i began to sing it as i walked by the river, as i drove over the river.... 

I love the simplicity of this offering. Ever since i read Dr Emoto's book i have been really moved when i think about the spirit of the water receiving our thoughts and music and words.  My amazing accupuncture guy, Bob, taught me how to bless water before i drink it and the difference in blessed and non blessed water is palpable.... This blessing song offers the River my intention and love...  I can do it in many ways, in my head, as a hum or really belt it out and be in deep trust that it connects with the spirit of the water.

So i kept singing, like a greeting to water.  Like a bowing to the life of the river.  And i started noticing where rivers came close to the road, where they had always been present and i had never noticed them.  Streams, creeks, all of it connected to the water that bathes us and nurtures us.  It was like it was calling back.  So I kept singing out.

Then i read about Michelle Gardella a woman's photographic work focusing on Rivers and women.  I got brave and sent her my song. (oh, she didn't reply but it seemed like my being brave enough to share it started a wave)  I told some friends about my song. And saw that my song touched people.

Then I read about a painter i admire, Deborah Milton, in Washington. Her blog post talks about her prayer to salmon as a practice.  I felt an immediate kinship with her offering and mine.  When we spoke about it we both saw the synchronicities of what we are doing.  Of how we are sending loving energy into the world focusing on the lifeblood of our planet, the beautiful mother water.  Of how there is great power in this kind of prayer and how we are feeling called to step up and do this work now.  Urgently.  

We have decided to build on this together.  We thought that by synchronizing our offerings we might get some synergy going, have a bigger impact with a joined intention....

Today was the first day we could combine practice (Saturday- full moon day) and i chose the river at Oakura that runs into the sea.  It really is a tiny stream that comes down from the hills where there is forestry and farming.  Not clean from filtering native forest but grubby.  Dirty.  Often walked in by cows.  It has been the home of big long finned eels in the past but our eels are suffering and i have not seen any there in the last few years.

So I sat down on our little jetty and offered up prayer for the water, my little song and finally a heart shaped stone i had found on the beach as an offering of ongoing love.  I sat with my eyes closed and thought about Deborah and the salmon and how we are building something of beauty.  

And i looked down and there in the water was something i had never seen before.  Tiny eels.  1 inch long.  Our equivalent of salmon - migratory, strong, they leave the water and slither across the land to get to more water, breed in the deepest oceans and return to the streams where they spawned.  Like Deborah's salmon.

There they were right there like a little benediction.  A little yes i hear you and i am grateful and this work is connected through time and space to all those who are doing the same.  

A heartfelt song and a wish for a healthy world.  Would you like to join us?

leave me a message and i will send you the details of the offering Deborah and i are dreaming up

Welcome to this world of mine... where i sing to water, see eels and feel grateful for people who open their heart to possibility. 

with love

jane