I was required to be boundary free to ensure that things were alright for those around me. If i had any privacy or contrary wishes i was called selfish and mean spirited. Trying to enforce a boundary meant that i was told i was difficult to live with and would never make anyone happy.
So my wiring got set to boundary free. Take what you want, treat me how you want, just don't reject me for my difficult nature, i will do my best to hide it and keep it as far from your face as i can.
This of course meant that i was twisted like a pretzel. I had to try not to displease others, i learned to put up with being hurt and i was only able to take sneaky sips of the life that called to me like a siren. Taking those sips i felt greedy for trying to live in a way that was not pleasing to others. Greedy for wanting to feel fulfilled.
So many years i tied myself to the mast of a boundary free life and wondered why i felt so damned battered and resentful. I mean lots of other people got to live the life that they wanted and have fulfilling relationships.
I guess i just chalked it all up to my inherent unpleasantness and carried on.
Slowly i recognised that i might have been fed information that wasn't really useful to me. That somehow the idea that my imperative to make boundaries=disloyalty might have been wrong.
Sniffing around the idea of boundaries as a good thing i kind of got put off by thinking i had to be all "kick arse" to have boundaries. I am not really made like that, Don't have the footwear for it i guess!
I embarked on a few learnings about boundaries - primarily Pixie Lighthorse's bootcamp, Pia Mellody's book on Co-dependence and finally Randi Buckley's amazing Healthy Boundaries for Kind People. (I highly recommend it and it is still available for new members)
Slowly I am seeing how being boundary less has meant that i saw it as an act of love to constantly give myself away to people. To sacrifice my wishes and desires on the altar of "see how much i love you"/
I saw how taking shoddy treatment and relinquishing my desires meant that i was a bit player in my own life.
I saw how boundaries allowed me to be less defended (who knew) i could establish a boundary and allow the other person to meet me there. Or not. And if they chose not to that was a gift because it means that i don't have to expend energy running to their side all the time.
With boundaries comes the potential for the hard stuff to dissolve. No pleasing those whom i am not a fit for. No saying sorry for my own desires to people who really won't get it.
With boundaries i can create the conditions for the life i want.
I can be as greedy as i like with my own life. Sharing it with those who want that for me too.
Are you greedily living your life too?