I think being raised in New Zealand implants the idea of fairness as part of your basic understanding of right. Well maybe it's having a working class coalminer Grandfather, but i understand the New Zealand psyche as having a deep connection to a sense of fairness. Our socialist style of governance has been taking a battering over the last decade or so but it's an underpinning principle of our country.
One day, when i was working as a nurse in the surgical ward with a wonderful woman i sat on her bed, at the end of the day with tears in my eyes. We had gotten to know each other. I used to steal her out of the ward in my lunch break and wheel her down to sit in the sun with me. We'd talk about life and laugh and sunbathe with our uniform and nightie respectively hiked up.
She had a painful and hideous condition that wasn't going to get better. And the day i sat on her bed was one where i had had to perform a very painful dressing change on her. She saw the tears and said "What's wrong?" I said "It's not fair. You are a good person and this (waving my hands at her failing body), is just unfair."
She got a steely look in her eye and jabbed her finger through the air in my direction. 'The sooner you realise, my girl, that life is not fair and that no one promised you it would be the happier you will be."
I have never forgotten that conversation but i find myself veering into the it's not fair lane more often than perhaps i would like. Ok i would like never to veer into that lane. Whining about things not being fair never gets me anywhere.
And yet i do.
There are situations, i have come to see and know intimately, that fairness will not be possible.
I am in one of those situations right now.
I feel a deep yawning chasm of fairness in me and i often stand and look into it with longing... wishing it could be filled.
But it won't be filled in the way i want.
The fairness will never come.
I can mourn that and i can complain about that. i can get angry about the loss and the injustice. i can try to pretend it doesn't matter to me and it's all good (actually i can't do that very well because it feels like such complete bullshit to be so avoidant. it does matter. No question)
But i cannot get the fairness from the place i am longing for it to come from.
So i prayed over it and what i got this morning from prayer was
"Justice is mine to create."
I get to supply the justice i need. i get to supply the fairness for myself. i get to tend to the things that do and don't.
I get to make it fair with my own tools, my own understandings, my own understandings, my own values, my own capacity, my own desires.
I don't have to outsource justice.
I get to provide it.
Instead of being hungry looking in the window at the food i wish i could have and will never be invited to share, i can walk away and create my own feast. I will do this with good grace and in ways that really meet me where i need to be met.
I will create my own justice and it will nourish me deeply.
Tell me what justice you need to create. Let me make a blessing for you - just leave a comment below and i will make a blessing to meet you in your justice needs.