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Pro- aging balm.

3/10/2014

74 Comments

 
Picture
This is me.  Nearly 49.
I look at this and i see my deep lines at the side of my nose- maybe from lots of smiling, the wrinkles around my eyes, from smiling, squinting into the harsh Northland sun.

I see the wrinkly forehead from my mobile eyebrows and frequent surprised expression in what i find in the world.

I see the mean looking wrinkles between my brows, where the smiling and the surprise and the worry meet.

I see grey hair.  I saw my first one on my head when i was 16.

I see a long face with soft eyes.  

I see someone who looks older than she feels.  I don't feel like my spirit is any older than when i was 18.  Hopefully a little wiser but still full of the same sense of wonder at the world.  The same lust for silliness and kindness and love.

And yet what i am encouraged to do by the world around me is fight against all that marks me as older.

I should buy "anti-aging creme". I should dye my hair.   Like i should be on the offensive against any signs of aging.

I am told by the media I should only consider myself beautiful if i look 10 years younger than my age. Or even better, 20 years.  I should be ashamed of my grey hair and my wrinkles. 

Like i am being conscripted into a war against age.  Invading the territory of an over 40's woman under the flimsiest of pretenses - namely that i don't look like i did when i was 18.

I think this is a form of violence against women.

Older males don't have to bend to the non wrinkled non grey image they presented as young bucks.  They age and become, like a good whiskey, more delicious.

But older women seem to feel immense pressure to conform to the "be seen to be young even if we all know you are not" mentality.  Look at Courtney Cox.  Look at Kim Novak.  

I would like to claim my right to be my age.  As that age looks on me.  I grew up with an ozone layer hole centered over me... the sun here is measurably harsher.  I have more sun damage than many women my age.  But i wouldn't give that childhood up for anything.   

I would like to claim the right for women to look their age.  To wear what they want.  To have who they are be seen - not because they look younger than they are but because they are worthy of being seen.

I claim my status as a conscientious objector in the war against aging women.

My friend on Praying True, Peggy Connolly posted these words.

"“Pared down to its barest essence, wabi-sabi is the Japanese art of finding beauty in imperfection and profundity in nature, of accepting the natural cycle of growth, decay, and death. It's simple, slow, and uncluttered-and it reveres authenticity above all. It reminds us that we are all but transient beings on this planet-that our bodies as well as the material world around us are in the process of returning to the dust from which we came. Through wabi-sabi, we learn to embrace liver spots, rust, and frayed edges, and the march of time they represent. Wabi-sabi represents a comprehensive Japanese world view or aesthetic centered on the acceptance of transience and imperfection. The aesthetic is sometimes described as one of beauty that is "imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete". It is a concept derived from the Buddhist teaching of the three marks of existence, specifically impermanence, the other two being suffering and emptiness or absence of self-nature.”
This helps me to pave a way forwards.  I think rather embracing the concept of beauty in imperfection I just release the Western perception of perfection altogether.  Beauty does not always reside in the flawless.

I think my tool of choice in the war against aging women is to truly embrace my own beauty in my wrinkled greying magnificence.  I can feed this by not eating a diet of women's magazines.  I can feed this by lovingly tending to my health and vitality.  I can feed this by my very aliveness and connection to other things of beauty in nature and to see the transience there, in the cloud, in the tide, in the life death life cycle of plants as part of my map to the beautiful. 

I am going to go all Wabi Sabi on the war against aging women.  I will not hide this - I want my daughters to feel beautiful when they are my age.  I want them to know beauty is more than porcelain skin and pert breasts.  No platitudes about what shines from the inside will do in this surface loving world.

I begin my personal revolution by revolting against my learned response to aging, and teaching myself a new way..




Wanna join me?
What can you love about yourself that counters the war on aging women?




74 Comments
Gem
3/10/2014 01:51:58 pm

That little voice in my head that comments on everything. came up with the term "fabulously flawed" for everybody.

I like it. :D

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jane
3/10/2014 03:02:48 pm

I like it too Gem. Fabulously flawed and full of beauty. <3

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Elizabeth Dailey
3/18/2014 02:16:07 am

I almost joined forces with the wrong army. Wabi- Sabi should be written on doors , freeway overpasses, Oscar night red carpet events. Pass the word

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Annie
3/10/2014 03:55:17 pm

Embrace the crone. That's when we become awesome. But I sort of wish I could be white. Not partially grey. Love xx

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jane
3/11/2014 07:33:44 am

partially grey is such a statement .. not buying into the hiding... woman in transition shapeshifting at its finest <3

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Mary Meyer
3/12/2014 03:01:01 am

Shapeshifting! Brilliant! I do love it when language seizes the magic.

Vynka link
3/10/2014 06:47:53 pm

Beautiful sentiments, Jane. Aging is a privilege denied to many, which should be celebrated! Love to see wisdom and life experiences worn with pride.

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jane
3/11/2014 07:34:53 am

Yes it is a privilege and you wear so much with beauty <3 Honoured to have you here... treasuring each grey and wrinkly day <3

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Leigh
3/10/2014 07:30:13 pm

Thank you for being you, if we lived in a world without beautiful, real women like you, who would younger women look up to?

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Leigh
3/11/2014 07:40:52 am

it is partly what worries me - that my daughters think beauty only resides in the clear skinned youth... thank heavens for stars like Jennifer Lawrence who although beautiful is unconventional, for people like Meryl Streep and Emma Thompson Julie Walters who look their age and wear it with pride... I try and comment on what makes them beautiful so my girls can see with that lens...

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jane
3/11/2014 07:41:37 am

oops that was me commenting above - something wonky happened! thank you for commenting Leigh.

Hilary link
3/10/2014 07:40:53 pm

I love this Jane ~ this is the best thing I have read on the internet today. I stopped colouring my hair last summer, you were part of my inspiration for that choice ... I am now at that horrible 'halfway' point on the journey back to 'authentic' hair, and your words are exactly the inspiration I needed to keep going. Pro-aging = pro-human. Yes! Lets do it!! xx

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jane
3/11/2014 07:43:19 am

thank you Hilary... keep us posted on your hair - heroism (?hairo-ism??) it does take courage... my friend's mum got a wig just like her hair, then shaved her hair and waited til it was a pixie but length til she threw her wig away and was grey over night... I thought that was quite a good solution!!

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Vicki
3/10/2014 09:50:31 pm

Perfect, you are perfect! I shed a few tears reading this.
Thank you lovely Jane.

Peace,
Vicki

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jane
3/11/2014 07:43:45 am

big love to you tender sister <3

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Rachel link
3/11/2014 12:48:49 am

This is perfect. <3

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jane
3/11/2014 07:44:10 am

ha imperfectly perfect?!

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Judy Wise link
3/11/2014 02:53:11 am

I'm with you, my sage friend. I let myself gray once before and then chickened out but I'm back on the program now of loving myself as goddess made me.

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jane
3/11/2014 07:44:41 am

there is so much to love about you Judy <3

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Jane Hamilton
3/11/2014 03:15:16 am

I will join you. I am proud to be 55 years older and wiser than when I was born. I am earning my silver hairs and celebrate them. They are mine - all mine!

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jane
3/11/2014 07:45:26 am

silver is precious! love the grey pride Jane <3

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Barb link
3/11/2014 03:53:38 am

Jane you are absolutely so brave and beautiful! I love this post - LOVE it. Thank you.

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jane
3/11/2014 07:46:36 am

thank you Barb... I don't feel brave just a bit pissed off at the moment... that is the delicious thing about finally feeling angry... it gives me the energy to do things I would never have done when I was stuffing it down <3

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Deana DeLarge link
3/11/2014 07:50:57 am

you are SO beautiful xo

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jane
3/11/2014 05:01:09 pm

thank you Deana

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Karen Caterson link
3/11/2014 08:46:11 am

Oh, YOU!!!! (words abandon me - I am sitting here just loving you and your beautifulness).

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jane
3/11/2014 05:00:42 pm

loving you too Karen <3

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Rachael Rice link
3/11/2014 12:53:27 pm

YEAH!! Love this. Thank you.

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jane
3/12/2014 05:53:39 am

Thank Rachael... I am feeling the love today <3

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Melissa Muirhead
3/11/2014 06:01:21 pm

Love this, Love you Jane. How blessed this world is to have you in it speaking such truth and beauty.

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jane
3/12/2014 05:54:24 am

at your side Melissa <3 I say the same about you <3

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Helen link
3/11/2014 06:29:55 pm

I love this post and am reminded of this Mark Twain quote: “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”

Western life is all about the fear of death - that's why we all have to look 18 because we associate ageing with death (which is of course BS because we can all check out at any time!) As Twain says, we are then also afraid of life, and living a life properly gives all of us a few smile lines and age spots in the end, doesn't it?

Thank you for the insight into Wabi-Sabi and for the beautiful photo x

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jane
3/12/2014 05:56:28 am

so right Helen... Vynka, a friend above made the observation that we don't all get the honour of growing old... being able to cherish the signs of aging, that we are LIVING our lives smile lines, frown lines and all... is where the soul deep beauty lies. Thank you <3

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Shamsi link
3/13/2014 03:44:21 am

♥ Dearest Jane,
I too, stand beside you in all of our natural beauty, I shall continue to rock my grey streak with pride and sensuality, allow my laugh-lines to deepen into perfection, and in general luxuriate within this aging body while my dancing Spirit never notices we surpassed age-10 ;-)

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jane
3/13/2014 10:50:13 am

10 year old jane giggles and swings 10 year old Shamsi around in the air... so glad to dance with you sister <3

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Zann Carter link
3/15/2014 01:39:41 am

Hi Jane - Loved this post. Just had to share a poem I wrote almost a year ago (hope the formatting survives posting!):

Know the wabi sabi of your body.
Trace lines and folds,

the lace of worn beauty.

Feel tenderness
for aging and rust. Listen

to blue veins singing

through delicate skin
draped over bone,

the soft fat bits.

Salute the bravery of moving
the aching parts,

and ride your chi running
time-carved canyons,

ride a raft of grey

wisdom.

---Zann Carter 04.2013

Reply
jane
3/15/2014 07:55:12 am

WOW Zann... I love this... the gentle loving way you envelope aging as a cloak of grace and leave me with the sense of a wild ride - thank you so much - would you mind if I quoted you?

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Zann link
3/15/2014 10:15:11 am

Oh, Jane, I wouldn't mind - I'd be honored!

Christa Gallopoulos link
3/18/2014 12:21:48 am

I see that the charge on the war against aging has been, sadly, left by me- in the past. And when I retired from that position, everything got so much better. Years of an autoimmune disease helped me to see that attacking myself never works well.

Brava, Jane, and thank you.

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jane
3/20/2014 01:42:51 pm

Christa that insight floored me - auto immune disease as a metaphor for attacking yourself... do we turn on ourselves when we see no other way in the world outside us? Do we need community to strengthen us so we don't turn on our selves and pour love in instead? I think the more of us that are out there, unashamedly claiming our whole self the more we make space for that compassionate response in others. Thank you for the beauty of this comment <3

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Maureen Clancy link
3/18/2014 12:44:00 am

Jane!

I see you, beautiful. All the juicy, wrinkly, joyful, 49-year-old bits. I love what I see here.

I was just thinking about this yesterday as I was traveling home from Costa Rica. When I went through a new U.S. Homeland Security system that required taking a new photo of me at a kiosk, I balked at the wrinkles that showed up. I thought, "Wow. Even on a quick security photo, these deep lines on my face show up. I just can't escape them."

Afterward I journaled about my reaction. As I thought about it, it seemed crazy that I didn't like my wrinkles. It seemed crazy that I'd want to hide my wrinkles. It seemed crazy to wish for the smooth skin I had 20 years ago.

I love my grey hair and would never dye it. So why don't I love my wrinkles? I decided then to change my relationship to my face. I thought about a whole blog post showing my face, wrinkly and all.

Count me in.

xo,
Moe

Reply
jane
3/20/2014 01:45:08 pm

ooo Moe let me know when you write your blog post ok? That insidious voice that says wrinkles=cause for shame is the one we have to be alert to, find a balm for - now there is an idea, a balm for the wrinkle shame and not the wrinkles themselves! Thank you for your story - I was nourished by it.

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Chris Zydel link
3/18/2014 01:20:00 am

Dearest Jane,

You are so very beautiful... in body and soul and heart. And I LOVE this post. Love your courage. Love your honesty. Love your fiery wisdom. And love all the ways that you are devoted what is real and gutsy and true. You fucking ROCK!!!!!!!!!

Reply
jane
3/20/2014 01:46:47 pm

No YOU fucking rock. You are a woman of grace and style of honesty and beauty you wear who you are out loud in the world and it is such a fucking beacon to me. Besides I love your guts. You are family <3

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linden link
3/18/2014 01:41:33 am

Graceful walker of wisening woman. I'm right there beside you....solidarity. Truth.

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jane
4/8/2014 06:57:05 am

Linden you are an inspiration growing more beautiful as you age <3

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Vanessa link
3/18/2014 03:09:51 am

You inspire me!!
I see a woman with kind, gentle and soulful eyes and magic in her soul.
I see a woman with a revolution on her hands that's way beyond her own personal one. You speak to thousands of women out there.
Go Jane.

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jane
4/8/2014 06:57:58 am

thank you Vanessa! the revolution only needs to begin in our hearts <3

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Suzanne McDermott link
3/18/2014 05:27:22 am

I am SO glad that you posted this! Perfect timing, too. I've been very, very fortunate in lifestyle, genes and energy but, as I was saying to my brother last night, I'm approaching my 60th this year, and just yesterday couldn't believe (after a taxing few days with not enough sleep and good nutrition) that I looked shockingly old to myself. When, exactly, (I asked him) did I think I was going to look old? It's about time for me to grow up and love what I am becoming. Geez, I saw a recent photo of David Geffen yesterday. He looked good but was unrecognizable after plastic surgery. My intention is to work from the inside out and be radiantly healthy as I grow into my older years.

Still, I like relief from the more brutal slaps of age. To soothe the dehydration, I did order some Egyptian Magic yesterday. In the meanwhile, I tried a drop of frankincense oil in coconut oil. Smelled gooOOOood! Comfort is welcome, sensual treats, too. But I'm totally with you on embracing our age. Camaraderie helps. A LOT! I'm glad to be alive! Glad that you are, too... and all the women who resonate with your post. Thank you!

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jane
4/8/2014 06:59:15 am

Here is to the inside work that makes true beauty, to the camaraderie of self love and embracing who we are <3 thank you for your kind words Suzanne

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Louise
3/18/2014 06:35:54 pm

I think you are Beautiful <3 Just the way you are :)

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jane
4/8/2014 07:00:09 am

Louise, thank you - my middle name is Louise :-) I am grateful for you showing up <3

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Wholly Jeanne link
3/18/2014 08:48:30 pm

Oh Sugar. I see only beauty. Fierce, wise, glorious beauty.

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jane
4/8/2014 07:00:47 am

as I see beauty when I look at you <3

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Sharon
3/18/2014 09:36:30 pm

The struggel that I had with hair dressers to let my hair go to its natural color with is white and grey was overwhelming. I am 66 years old - have no breasts from the ravages of a nasty disease and yet in my mind I am the wild, fun, sparky young woman. No make-up or hair dye can change that. I love this post and whole heartedly not only join you but have been leading others to this path myself.

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jane
4/8/2014 07:02:08 am

Sharon - here is to the grey haired goddesses.. the women who are who they are to wearing our scars and our healing in our own wild way <3 bowing to your grace and your leadership

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Amy Oscar link
3/19/2014 01:21:21 am

I join you. Thank you beautiful woman. Thank you.

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jane
4/8/2014 07:02:49 am

honoured to walk at your side Amy

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Clara link
3/19/2014 01:49:04 am

I'm joining you!
I was told in my 20s "It starts now! Get using anti-aging products so you stay younger longer."
How depressing.
I did not take their advice.
I was beautiful then and I'm beautiful now, with all my lines and bumps and flaws.

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jane
4/8/2014 07:03:50 am

noticing the pressure Clara, seeing the beauty in who you are honouring your wholeness is the mark of a warrior woman <3 proud to be at your side

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Elizabeth MacDonald link
3/19/2014 02:56:05 am

I already am with you! I am silver! I don't wear cosmetics every day. I do wear a bit of mascara and lipstick on special occasions. But, a lot of the time I don't bother. I believe there is beauty in aging. There is a story in the lines of your face. I celebrate every year I've been given, and I will continue to do so, even when rude people whisper in my ear that I'm a beautiful woman, but I should dye my hair. I glared at them and said "It's not going to happen!"

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jane
4/8/2014 07:05:53 am

you sound so beautiful in your self acknowledgment and your wisdom Elizabeth... those bloody shoulds are warning bells for me... they mean "conform" - the opposite of curiosity which is the seed of the best kind of magic for me... proud to be grey with you <3

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Srrow
3/19/2014 02:10:55 pm

I loved LOVED Loved this!
My heart smiled and I think my grey hairs sang.
:)
I am blessed to NOT have Tv in my home.
I am Blessed to have friends who look at me and say " you are beautiful"
I am supported by my daughter who says " when i grow up I want to be silver haired wise and lovely just like you mum"
I am comfortable in my whiskered chin and wrinkles, I am in love with my bags and the stretching skin that speaks of the babies I have born. This is the crone and I wear her with pride! Thank you sister! You are Beautiful, Radiant and Glorious!

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jane
4/8/2014 07:07:37 am

Sorrow I am so proud to call you sister <3

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Rebecca link
3/26/2014 12:31:04 pm

Hi Jane - thank you for writing this. I can't believe I'm saying this, but at 27 I think about aging a lot. And I'm young! Our society completely messes with us, makes us believe that our golden years are in our 20s. And then seeing older women who seem so deeply uncomfortable in their own skin (the women of Hollywood with scary facelifts etc.) screws you up even further. Honestly, I just want to cut through the bullshit as I age. Be cool, be full as I am and toss off the confines and rules of our society and be sexy anyway, naturally. But sometimes, thinking about it now, I feel a grip coming down on me - years and years of oppressing women by insulting our looks. And honestly - as a young woman, I am LOOKING for women who do aging well, who own it, who rock it. Thanks for writing this. And p.s. I'm so sick of hearing that men age better than women (though I've certainly thought it - no more). I really don't think that needs to be "true" in our day and age anymore. I grew up thinking the skin on my mother's arms when I was a child (she was in her 40s) was the most beautiful skin in the world - I wanted to be in my 40s. And by the way, my mom's skin is still the most beautiful in the world in her 50s. Fuck fashion magazines. :-)

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jane
4/8/2014 07:10:06 am

I cheer when I read this Rebecca - to have that kind of awareness. To see the bullshit. To stand and honour what your heart knows... it gives me faith... I feel inspired to continue to age truthfully in order to en-courage women who are younger than me that there may be another way... rock on and yay for your Mom!

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Helen
4/8/2014 06:15:11 am

Love the post.
Natural silver highlights more beautiful and cheaper than those out a bottle.
Be who you are not who people want you to be.
Be true to yourself.
You will stand out from the crowd as Mother Nature intended.

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jane
4/8/2014 07:11:03 am

all the money I have saved at the hairdresser should really be funding my overseas travel Helen! thank you for your kind words <3

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Natasha link
4/8/2014 11:51:46 am

God you are inspiring and amazing and so goddamned real. I decided last year after finding my first two greys to stop colouring my hair which i have done for years.

I didn't want my daughter to think there was anything wrong with aging and certainly nothing to cover up.

Then the other day I saw a few more greys. I decided to stick with that choice I made last year but I did waver. This post makes me do grateful that I didn't. I embrace the privilege of aging and what those grey hairs represent.

Thank you for rocking my world. xx

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jane
4/10/2014 09:05:58 am

we are making a secret army of power. grey hairs is the encoded pass to get you in <3 glad you kept the faith <3

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Janyt
4/9/2014 04:27:27 pm

I love this article....thank you for writing it! It's so validating and supportive in a culture that so values youth. I am 63, & stopped coloring my hair a couple of years ago. Also, let it grow.......going against all the rules about how old women should wear their hair short! I stopped wearing make up years ago. I join you whole heartedly in teaching myself a new way!

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jane
4/10/2014 09:07:11 am

Hi Janyt, long haired grey women are like the living equivalent of fierce <3 so glad you came here - please smile at yourself in the mirror today from me <3

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Mary
10/9/2014 02:43:31 pm

I like you!
This is so me!
I don't wear makeup
I get my haircut once a year (when the comb fights with the split ends)
And when the grey started coming I announced that I would let it come
Oh the flack I got - the horror
But I didn't/don't care!

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jane
10/12/2014 01:52:57 pm

let's hear it for the grey women who have better things to do than pretend to be young <3

Reply



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